1. Where are you from?
This is usually followed by an intense stare as the person, most likely a dude, is trying to figure out if I’m Chinese, Thai, Korean, Japanese, or something else “exotic.” When I say New Jersey (the most exotic of the states), this leads to question #2.
2. No, really where are you from?
Let’s get to the point. You want to know where my family is from. Taiwan. Are you happy now? Where are you from? Because I’d really like to know so I can avoid going there.
3. I really like Asian women.
Let’s get married then! Who cares if we have nothing else in common? All that matters is that you love Asian women! Oh, you know who else likes Asian women? Everyone. Because we’re awesome.
4. I need more napkins.
Just because I’m walking by you in a restaurant, don’t assume that I work in that restaurant. Are you shocked to know that not all Asian people work in Chinese/Thai/Vietnamese restaurants? Because it’s true. We don’t all work on your nails, your dry cleaning, and your $15 Asian fusion tacos.
5. I have no idea how to use these things [waving around chopsticks].
Then don’t. Grab a fork and eat those noodles like the non-Asian you are. It’s OK! I’m not judging you. (But secretly I am because chopsticks are the superior utensils.)
6. I just love geishas.
Great! I really love firemen. They’re hot. But if I wanted you to don a fireman’s uniform, ride in a big red truck, and slide down a pole for me, I doubt you would do it. So don’t ask me to dress like a geisha, bow down, bat my eyes, and dance for you. Not gonna happen. Unless you’re an actual fireman.
7. Hi, [insert name of another Asian lady].
Seriously, we don’t all look alike. Learn to tell us apart. If my name is Jennifer Chen, it doesn’t mean I’m related to Annie Chen. John Smith is not related to Helen Smith. We are different people. Unless this is an Orphan Black situation, then we’re all the same people.
8. Konichiwa or Ni Hao Ma.
Stop chasing me around and speaking bad Japanese or broken Chinese. If you stalk me down the street, saying “good morning,” to me in Japanese, then follow me into Staples where I’m buying gel pens, and ask to marry me because you really like Chinese women, then I can’t help you. And your pronunciation is awful, so I suggest you fix that first. You can work on the rest later. Without me. SAYONARA!
9. CAN YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING?
DUDE, I speak better English than you do. Stop shouting and speaking slowly to me as if I’m illiterate. You sound dumb.
10. I hear Chinese people eat dogs.
Yup, it’s true. I’m eating a free-range Labrador Retriever steak with a side of pug bacon right now. Does that gross you out thinking that we eat dogs? You eat animals like pigs who are actually smarter than dogs. Who’s the jerk now? (Free tip: You are!)
11. Can you figure out the tip?
I know you think I’m a wizard at math. (Eye roll.) I got a 45 on my calculus final in high school. That’s barely half right. But sure, let me figure out the bill. I owe zero dollars. Thanks for dinner!
12. You have lovely almond-shaped eyes.
I love me some Claudia Kishi from The Baby-Sitters Club. She is my spirit animal/imaginary friend. But if I have to read one more time that Claudia or any other Asian woman has “almond-shaped eyes,” I’m going to smack everyone.
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