Did you forget your contact lens case? Yes. Yes you did. Here are the other things you inevitably overthink the first time you spend the whole night with the guy you're dating.
1. How long have these pizza boxes been here? I was over here last month, and they were here. Unless they’re some kind of avant garde art installation, they need to be gone. Is it weird if I get up and throw them out? It’s weird.
2. No, no, no, NOOO, he has that Beer Googles: Making Ugly Women Look Terrific Since 1892 poster. My vagina just zipped up like a winter coat. Maybe it’s his roommate’s! Yeah, I bet it’s his roommate’s. Because I need to believe that to have sex with this human being.
3. Oh, hi, His Roommate With A Neck Beard Who Just Came Home And Never Makes Eye Contact With Me! How’s grad school? Do you remember my name? Are you confusing me with some other brown-haired girl he makes out with on the couch? Is there another brown-haired girl? TELL ME THE SECRETS YOU’RE HIDING IN YOUR NECK BEARD.
4. Just kidding, bye, we’re going to go into his bedroom and awkwardly say good night to you and we all uncomfortably have to deal with knowing that you know that we’re having ~*~sEx~*~*~ in there.
5. Maybe I should have brought pajamas, but I didn’t want to seem like I was assuming anything. So I just shoved an extra pair of underwear and my contact lens case into my purse like Aladdin and/or a train-jumping hobo. When does the pajama stage happen?
6. Wait, I forgot my contact lenses. Crap. Worst Aladdin ever.
7. What if it takes me so long to come that neither of us get any sleep?
8. What if he snores? What if I snore?
9. What if he’s a blanket hog? Because I’m a blanket hog, and the two cannot coexist.
10. It’s boiling hot in here, will he be offended if I don’t want to be spooned all night?
11. I hope my cat/dog/parakeet/misc. pet isn’t too lonely.
12. What if I fart? What if I have to poop and I break his toilet with the strength of my poop?
13. At what point do I get out of bed and brush my teeth?
14. Do I take my makeup off? Are we there yet? Or do I leave it on so that I look **flawless when I wake up and he thinks I’m a Natural Beauty?
15. *The next morning* Oh, I look like my face melted, Wicked Witch of the West style. *uses the remainder of his Q-Tips desperately fixing eye makeup.* "Hey, I think you're out of Q-Tips..."
16. Wait, don't kiss me yet. I need to brush my teeth.
17. I'm starving but all you have in your fridge is Sriracha and leftover Thai food from the Clinton era. Can we get bagels now?
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